Hold the Phone!

Apple have announced an exciting new development to be featured in next generation iPhones. The facility, being named iDialogue, is reportedly going to make it possible for iPhone users to make and receive telephone calls, during which they can engage in conversation while potentially touching their iPhones and even holding them to their ears if they wish. Fans are of course understandably overcome with emotion at the news, just when they thought the iPhone simply couldn't get any more amazing...

Google Translate Tool Infected with Sarcasm

The Google translation tool has reportedly been hit by a virus rendering its results significantly more sarcastic. The Google translator is used within many websites across the globe, to make Web content accessible to speakers of more than 50 languages. However, reports from Internet insiders suggested that the tool was recently hijacked by attackers hellbent on making people feel slightly confused and possibly belittled by the textual content translated by the tool.

The Web giant initially seemed reluctant to comment on the reports, perhaps due to concern over links of the news to outbreaks of violence in America, a country whose culture has been accused by many of lacking in irony appreciation. An official Google spokesperson finally acknowledged the incident today:

"We do have evidence to suggest that the Google Translate resource was partially compromised over the past weeks, in a way that has rendered translated content snide and patronising, humorous in only a minority of cases. We would like to take this opportunity to apologise to those users who have been intimidated or confused by these sarcastic translations, and to reassure them that it is in fact the lowest form of wit, and no reflection on their own level of intelligence."

It is hoped that the outbreak of sarcasm in the Google translator will be addressed and resolved as quickly as possible, as scientists believe any further increase on the already significant risk of misunderstanding in electronic communications could ultimately lead to war on a global scale.

Amazon to sell nuclear arms

In the latest diversification of the Amazon product range, it has been reported that the online retail giant is looking into the possibility of opening a channel for sales of branded atomic weaponry. Critics have been extremely vocal, and industry experts have expressed doubts as to whether the company will be able to offer such high value goods under the "Free Super Saver Delivery" option.

Time is Money

Toragg Inc's controversial new tablet computer is being released today to a tumult of sanctimonious contempt on the part of the mainstream press. The device is programmed to begin administering electric shocks to the user if they attempt to continue using it for a period in excess of 6 months, effectively forcing the buyer to upgrade. The release follows the news that next generation iPhones will automatically send out preset abusive messages to the entire contact list of those owners whose music taste is below par or who have fewer than 50 friends on Facebook.

Each to their Own

Apple are pursuing legal action against a small key cutting company based in Worcestershire on the basis that they have been selling products with the letter 'i' in their names. The multinational technology company are said to be initiating a newly assertive approach to legal issues which it is believed may include an attempt to prevent all other companies from manufacturing products that require the use of the hands or fingers. Company spokespeople have continued to refute last week's reports that Apple employees had been recorded coating iPhones with bodily fluids before packing them into boxes for distribution and sale.

Transformers: Coders in Disguise?

Fat, beardy and lacking in every area other than computer skills? Have your geekery effectively neutralised through an upcoming Internet make-over show in which participants undergo a process of "sexy refactoring". Those chosen to appear in the live finals will be subjected to a series of tests before one is crowned the winner, having replaced all prior aspects of his personality with a vague interest in popular culture and a taste for effortlessly stylish clothing, both of which of course render the male eminently more fuckable in an instant.*
*At first glance and from a distance of 5 or more miles.

Prospective candidates are warned that their earning potential, sense of humour and interest in anything other than themselves may be significantly impaired as a result of the SexyFactoring procedure. You probably still won't get any women either. However, you will be on an Internet television show. Watched by a handful of idiots. You do get to keep the new clothes though. For the rest of the day. On the whole it's probably ill advised. Although there is free food. Crisps anyway.

Spitting Images?

Had it with inconsistent Screengrab Optimising Facilitators that persistently hog your computer's Realistic Slipshod Memory? Finnish software house Definition Excellents Ltd's forthcoming Batch Friendly Incendiary Vision Heightening platform, PicSys, is currently being made available at Beta stage for developers to take a sneaky peek under the framework's proverbial algorithmic underskirt. Only drawback is the download's exclusively available via osmosis so bad luck for those of you who aren't sufficiently porous - you'll just have to make do with Illuminative Strand Administration for the moment...

Basket Case?

We've all heard the classic IT support helpline recording of the guy who thought his mouse was a parmesan grater, and who could forget the young woman who couldn't understand why her laptop wouldn't function underwater? Well this week saw the addition of yet another wondrous entry to the tech support hall of fame. The call starts off sounding fairly ordinary, the caller explains that he's having a problem with email. The support engineer goes through the usual questions, then things start to get weird. After trying without much success to find out what email client the caller is using, the technician starts explaining the steps to find out. As the call transpires, and the caller is unable to carry out the clicks, double clicks and keystrokes the technician describes, it gradually becomes clear that the caller's computer doesn't have a mouse, keyboard or monitor attached. Long story short it turns out it wasn't a computer at all, but a crate of Brazilian mandarin oranges.

They Know Not What They Do

Research has revealed that a startling 89% of UK computer users have no idea how to perform a rudimentary system refresh and propositional reinstatement on their PC in either auxiliary or comprehensively stable mode. The news flies in the face of many recent claims regarding the assumed improvement of the average person's technical skills. It seems people are still as thick as ever, they just point and click like spider monkeys toying with a 1980's era handheld tilting Lando flexiWizard, without the illuminated wand...

Key Value?

Marketing inside-geeks are putting it about that a new technology is being utilised on ad-bearing websites. The state of the art marketing system performs an analysis on the person browsing the site based on the speed and pattern of their keystrokes. This information is then fed back to a database application, and the user is matched to a specific personality category. This category is then used as the basis for targeted adverts on the website pages. Critics of the system claim that it's at best tricky to categorise an individual based on the way they type on a keyboard, and leaked reports of testing from back when the system was under initial development showed that it categorised anyone with a typing speed over 40 words per minute as a sociopath with a tendency to impulse-buy dairy produce.