Time is Money

Toragg Inc's controversial new tablet computer is being released today to a tumult of sanctimonious contempt on the part of the mainstream press. The device is programmed to begin administering electric shocks to the user if they attempt to continue using it for a period in excess of 6 months, effectively forcing the buyer to upgrade. The release follows the news that next generation iPhones will automatically send out preset abusive messages to the entire contact list of those owners whose music taste is below par or who have fewer than 50 friends on Facebook.

Each to their Own

Apple are pursuing legal action against a small key cutting company based in Worcestershire on the basis that they have been selling products with the letter 'i' in their names. The multinational technology company are said to be initiating a newly assertive approach to legal issues which it is believed may include an attempt to prevent all other companies from manufacturing products that require the use of the hands or fingers. Company spokespeople have continued to refute last week's reports that Apple employees had been recorded coating iPhones with bodily fluids before packing them into boxes for distribution and sale.

Transformers: Coders in Disguise?

Fat, beardy and lacking in every area other than computer skills? Have your geekery effectively neutralised through an upcoming Internet make-over show in which participants undergo a process of "sexy refactoring". Those chosen to appear in the live finals will be subjected to a series of tests before one is crowned the winner, having replaced all prior aspects of his personality with a vague interest in popular culture and a taste for effortlessly stylish clothing, both of which of course render the male eminently more fuckable in an instant.*
*At first glance and from a distance of 5 or more miles.

Prospective candidates are warned that their earning potential, sense of humour and interest in anything other than themselves may be significantly impaired as a result of the SexyFactoring procedure. You probably still won't get any women either. However, you will be on an Internet television show. Watched by a handful of idiots. You do get to keep the new clothes though. For the rest of the day. On the whole it's probably ill advised. Although there is free food. Crisps anyway.

Spitting Images?

Had it with inconsistent Screengrab Optimising Facilitators that persistently hog your computer's Realistic Slipshod Memory? Finnish software house Definition Excellents Ltd's forthcoming Batch Friendly Incendiary Vision Heightening platform, PicSys, is currently being made available at Beta stage for developers to take a sneaky peek under the framework's proverbial algorithmic underskirt. Only drawback is the download's exclusively available via osmosis so bad luck for those of you who aren't sufficiently porous - you'll just have to make do with Illuminative Strand Administration for the moment...

Basket Case?

We've all heard the classic IT support helpline recording of the guy who thought his mouse was a parmesan grater, and who could forget the young woman who couldn't understand why her laptop wouldn't function underwater? Well this week saw the addition of yet another wondrous entry to the tech support hall of fame. The call starts off sounding fairly ordinary, the caller explains that he's having a problem with email. The support engineer goes through the usual questions, then things start to get weird. After trying without much success to find out what email client the caller is using, the technician starts explaining the steps to find out. As the call transpires, and the caller is unable to carry out the clicks, double clicks and keystrokes the technician describes, it gradually becomes clear that the caller's computer doesn't have a mouse, keyboard or monitor attached. Long story short it turns out it wasn't a computer at all, but a crate of Brazilian mandarin oranges.

They Know Not What They Do

Research has revealed that a startling 89% of UK computer users have no idea how to perform a rudimentary system refresh and propositional reinstatement on their PC in either auxiliary or comprehensively stable mode. The news flies in the face of many recent claims regarding the assumed improvement of the average person's technical skills. It seems people are still as thick as ever, they just point and click like spider monkeys toying with a 1980's era handheld tilting Lando flexiWizard, without the illuminated wand...

Key Value?

Marketing inside-geeks are putting it about that a new technology is being utilised on ad-bearing websites. The state of the art marketing system performs an analysis on the person browsing the site based on the speed and pattern of their keystrokes. This information is then fed back to a database application, and the user is matched to a specific personality category. This category is then used as the basis for targeted adverts on the website pages. Critics of the system claim that it's at best tricky to categorise an individual based on the way they type on a keyboard, and leaked reports of testing from back when the system was under initial development showed that it categorised anyone with a typing speed over 40 words per minute as a sociopath with a tendency to impulse-buy dairy produce.

Cut of your lib?

Excited about wearable computing? Get with the programmable interface for Christ's sake, that's yesterday's hard-off. The next big thing in portable technology? Transforming parts of your body into technological components. Skin grafts that function as mobile devices. Having your eyeballs replaced by screen implants so that all of your friends can enjoy watching their favourite episodes of Friends while pretending to listen to your appalling drivel. And now there's the new iPad that you get tattooed on your body and control by poking your fingers up your nose and arse. Sound scary? I've already had every strand of hair on my entire body coated in an LCD substance capable of rendering images in RGB colour and am currently displaying a still from Spliced Pleasure - The Vampyr Directives VIII as my scalpsaver.

Rotten Apple?

Apple have responded to reports of the total inability of the latest iPhone to carry out successful phone calls with the claim that the fault lies within the minds of disgruntled customers. In an alleged irate email to the editor of a publication which had reported the story, Steve Jobs is said to have exclaimed: "if you must know we've been including a feature since the very first iPhone that prevents the phone from functioning correctly if it's being held by someone who either sweats profusely or has bad skin - frankly I have no interest in retaining their custom so they can fuck right off".

Point Blank?

TableLeg Inc. co-founder Stevin Plaster is becoming known more for his somewhat baffling development projects than for the universally lauded productivity software that made him famous. PlumpMyApps is his latest release, and has been accompanied by the usual unquestioning rejoicements on the TL fanboards. Only thing is, no-one seems to know what it's for. The following is an excerpt from an interview with the man himself in Pliableware Review:

"It's basically a kind of programming yeast for applications lacking the requisite thrust in either data, structure or both. It's particularly well suited to companies who adopt any of the Nubile development models, and who don't mind a little excess gravy in among their variables."

Well? Answers on an e-card...

New Kids on the Block

A Web service is helping new parents to choose search engine friendly names for their children. ConnectaChild offer a number of Internet services to expectant parents who want to make a head start on their offspring's social networking efforts. These days it's difficult for young people to get noticed, and of course we all want the best for our kids. To this end prospective parents are accumulating huge numbers of friends for their unborn babies on Facebook and other networks, with child protection agencies becoming increasingly worried that the parents of newborns with only few friends at the time of birth may be more likely to consider giving the children up for adoption, after all who wants a friendless child?

A controversial site has recently begun showcasing in-utero ultrasound images and videos, with visitors being given the chance to vote and comment on the best (and worst) on show. In a trial version of the site, the comments on one nearly-child's video read 'what a total fucking loser' and 'you make me want to vomit my own internal organs you useless little shit', prompting fears that the practise may be potentially damaging to the self-perception of the pre-born involved.

Last month a notorious website was closed down by police after complaints triggered an investigation. The site allowed visitors to vote on whether or not fetuses should be aborted, based on pictures of them. Expectant (and undecided) mothers posted the ultrasound images and signed a contract binding them to the decision made by voters, with the termination procedures paid for by the website. Authorities were alerted by reports of disgruntled site users pursuing legal action against mothers who had failed to abide by the public vote.

Dearest Diary

Maz Lantek has been affording us tech people a glimpse of life at the ultimate forefront of aspirational geekery for not one but three consecutive years through his blogish postings on the web-facias of varying media outlets. This week he's publishing an exclusive diary entry on BrainDeadAir, right here, right fuckering now.

Tue 8 Jun, approaching dusk
Tried the new lickable version of the iPad today, tastes like pure unadulterated coolness.
mL x

Safe New World

Industry insiders believe Apple is developing a new computing device that will be completely unable to browse traditional websites. The device will instead allow users the significantly more fulfilling experience of viewing a set of specially designed iSites, which will be of a superior quality to normal websites, in every way that matters, according to the recently compiled Appleness Constitution, that is. The move is being read as an exploratory measure in establishing the level of participation that might be expected for the reported upcoming development of the iSland, a tropical paradise nation to which selected consumers will be able, at a small cost, to emigrate. The state is expected to comprise a benevolent dictatorship of gadgets, and citizens will be given free cosmetic surgery on arrival to make them appear quirkily creative while approachable, and of course shit-staggeringly gorgeous.

Five essential pathTrap protocol plug-ins for the TeeTee3

Following last month's appallingly successful run down of those must-hack Yank-drop extensions, we've decided to let you in on our top picks for the Big Boy Collective's upcoming developmentalist protocol tracking tools.
1. Lice Mat pinholdings
2. Wanx
3. Fixup temp by Darn Satchelson
4. TipMaster II (with optional Torque Combs)
5. The Moon
But hey, what the fuck would we know? We just code ourselves to within an inch of our lives on a daily basis...

Ashes to Ashes

Scientists have allegedly made some startling discoveries about the Icelandic ash that's been causing so much travel chaos recently - but they don't want you to know about them... A leaked email between colleagues at a top secret government research institute indicates that, rather than being produced by a volcano, as per the established version of events, the ash is actually a by-product of some disturbing industrial processes being carried out offshore. Microscopic particles from the ash reveal that it contains genetic material, brain matter in particular, and whose brain - why, none other than Steve Jobs himself. Rumour has it an army of clones are being developed, in order that the world might better cope should the master copy be compromised in some way. It has been believed for some time that a number of public appearances by the Apple boss were, in reality, attended by lookalike iDroids as a defence against assassination attempts.

Get Busy Coding

InvenTive CanCan's Slightly Ajar 9 comes out this week, to the immense relief of more than a few expressivePan-preoccupied programmers. Rumour has it the new edition of the SuperIndustriousness suite contains a host of goodies, including live spinthread visualisation, databox pummelling and category sifting (apparently based on the candiBich engine) not to mention a sigh-inducing Porridge-themed interface that'll make you go weak at the fingertips. Sound good enough for you? Fine, now code me till I shit myself.

Forbidden Fruit

In the latest installment of strife between Apple and Google/ Adobe/ [insert name here] fans, a number of anti-Apple webmasters have started to insert code within their pages to detect whether the visitor is browsing on an Apple device, and if so replace the site content with a large image of the word TOOL tattooed on a bloated penis. This is however, unlikely to prove problematic for Apple customers, since browsing any website that is not listed on Apple's iComeReady list is soon to be forbidden to them anyway. Sites excluded from the list are those that do not make Steve Jobs spontaneously moan with pleasure when viewing them on an Mac, iPhone or of course iPad.

Better Safe than Sorry

The games world is reeling from the news that a recent study has revealed an increased tendency for rape, murder and general obnoxiousness to occur at the same longitude as people playing certain consoles. Ministers are now expected to buckle under already considerable pressure to not only ban the games, but also to destroy those already circulated in a series of ceremonial bonfires to be broadcast live on BBC1 as an effort to build public confidence, and of course to put to death all those who purchased, used or tolerated the offending consoles in any sense. At last we'll be one step closer to a safer world in which children will be able to run free without their parents having to get involved on a daily basis.

Something Old Something New

Pillow Tok's newest line in technically excellent productivity style appliances is due to be unveiled this week, which is surely bound to mean yet more grist to the tiP chanCing mill. Good news for Alex Timraft and his lake-boarding chums maybe but what about the rest of us? Guess we'll just have to make do with Bit Depository Snatching for now...

Dab Hand

Legume Telecom are currently surveying their customers to find out whether the whole gesture-text thing still has legs. So what about you guys, are you still loving it out loud? Brain Dead Air suspects most of us are at least halfway over gesticulexting, but what the hell would we know? Guess we'll all find out soon enough, rumour has it that Marlon and the Nappybags are planning an old school vase-bumping style tap dance reunion next month...

Save Face

The latest addition to our seemingly endless list of 'must have' mobile apps comes this week in the form of FlamJan SoftWear's disgustingly excellent BackTrack expression rendering engine interface. Those guys are so clever they've even included a complementary frown download for those of you who just can't get enough hardcore bitwise facial action.