tech ___ gossip ___ facts . . . . . . magazine

Monday 27 August 2012

Flavour of the Month

A controversial iPhone and Android app is to be withdrawn from the official marketplaces for all major mobile platforms after a record number of complaints. The app "Rag Hags" was aimed at young men and claimed to detect the menstrual cycles of women from their Facebook and Twitter updates. Users of the app could register to receive warning messages in the form of SMS texts and emails telling them to avoid any female friends/ followers who appeared to be experiencing pre-menstrual tension.

A particular advert for the app seems to have been the cause of most complaints. The ad pictured an angry-looking woman clutching a knife and crying. Text below read: "avoid the bitch when she's on the rag, she won't be up for it anyway". The developers remain unrepentant, issuing a public statement including the following excerpt:
We are deeply disappointed that the iPhone and Android stores failed to see the irony in our fun app. This kind of knee-jerk response belongs in the dark ages. We have the utmost respect for women, and at no point did the app do anything sexist. It was just a light-hearted take on sexuality aimed at guys who love the ladies but can't be arsed when they're being total bitches.

To date the company's other apps remain available for purchase, with the most popular a game in which players kill bespectacled vegetarians by shoving kebabs down their throats.

Monday 10 October 2011

On Location

Campaigners are putting pressure on ICANN to provide a new top level domain for taxidermists. The proposed addition would allow sites to use the extension ".stuffed" as an indicator of content.

Other groups attempting to secure specialist extensions include manufacturers of industrial adhesive products, who are angling for the ".sticky" extension, although some campaigners for the porn industry are disputing their right to that particular domain.

The news follows complaints from Web users who naturally expected the ".aero" extension to correspond to sites offering delicious chocolate treats. Administrators of Catalan language sites, with the extension ".cat" have also been on the receiving end of much anger from website visitors, devastated by a distinct lack of videos and pictures featuring kittens engaged in humorous acts.

ICANN again ruled out the possibility of individual celebrities having their own top level domains, after repeated demands from Tom Cruise regarding the ".almighty" extension, which the actor wants to reserve for his own exclusive use.

Sunday 24 July 2011

What's In A Name?

A pair of 18 year old twins are suing their parents for naming them "Foo" and "Bar" in a case that's attracting much discussion within the tech community. The twins are claiming that being named after metasyntactic variables undermined their sense of self-worth to the extent that it constituted neglect, leading them to embark on a self-destructive spiral ultimately ending in the ritual sacrifice of several open source Java libraries and an experimental database embryo.

The move has been applauded by campaigners who believe that computer programmers should be prevented from reproducing unless they pass a personality test in which they must watch a person operating a PC with the Windows Vista operating system installed on it without openly scoffing.

The Association for Buddhist Coders (ABCs) have rejected the twins' claims of abuse, arguing that the use of placeholders as personal names should ultimately have instilled in them a clear understanding that self is an illusion.

The twins' parents have yet to comment on the matter, mainly on account of the fact that they've been housebound since before the birth of their offspring due to chronic agora-anthropo-ambulophobia compounded by being really fat and lazy.

Friday 3 June 2011

Slug It Out

The notorious oblong Chinese Rhino Slug virus is reportedly still on the rampage in spite of dedicated efforts to raise awareness of it. The virus works by infecting user computers with a creeping sense of disaffection that gradually works its way into every functioning application installed. Users who have been affected by the virus initially began to notice something was awry when they found that programs would operate in a sluggish, despondent fashion, often hanging and even crashing if the user attempted to view upbeat Internet content such as cat videos.

Monday 9 May 2011

With Friends Like These...

Facebook is launching a series of controversial updates in which new users will have to declare various personal details including bloodtype, HIV status and fertility levels such as sperm counts. Users will also be required to submit several photographs of their genitalia in order to continue using the service, but have been reassured by site administrators that the images will not be used for marketing purposes.

The tide of criticism seems to be rising against the social networking giant, after evidence last year revealed that Facebook executives had been accessing user data with the aim of contacting vulnerable individuals and gently mocking them. A Facebook spokesman issued the following sensitively worded response to the criticism:
"I touch myself while looking at pictures of your family."

Thursday 21 April 2011

Hold the Phone!

Apple have announced an exciting new development to be featured in next generation iPhones. The facility, being named iDialogue, is reportedly going to make it possible for iPhone users to make and receive telephone calls, during which they can engage in conversation while potentially touching their iPhones and even holding them to their ears if they wish. Fans are of course understandably overcome with emotion at the news, just when they thought the iPhone simply couldn't get any more amazing...

Tuesday 12 April 2011

Google Translate Tool Infected with Sarcasm

The Google translation tool has reportedly been hit by a virus rendering its results significantly more sarcastic. The Google translator is used within many websites across the globe, to make Web content accessible to speakers of more than 50 languages. However, reports from Internet insiders suggested that the tool was recently hijacked by attackers hellbent on making people feel slightly confused and possibly belittled by the textual content translated by the tool.

The Web giant initially seemed reluctant to comment on the reports, perhaps due to concern over links of the news to outbreaks of violence in America, a country whose culture has been accused by many of lacking in irony appreciation. An official Google spokesperson finally acknowledged the incident today:
"We do have evidence to suggest that the Google Translate resource was partially compromised over the past weeks, in a way that has rendered translated content snide and patronising, humorous in only a minority of cases. We would like to take this opportunity to apologise to those users who have been intimidated or confused by these sarcastic translations, and to reassure them that it is in fact the lowest form of wit, and no reflection on their own level of intelligence."
It is hoped that the outbreak of sarcasm in the Google translator will be addressed and resolved as quickly as possible, as scientists believe any further increase on the already significant risk of misunderstanding in electronic communications could ultimately lead to war on a global scale.

Saturday 12 February 2011

Amazon to sell nuclear arms

In the latest diversification of the Amazon product range, it has been reported that the online retail giant is looking into the possibility of opening a channel for sales of branded atomic weaponry. Critics have been extremely vocal, and industry experts have expressed doubts as to whether the company will be able to offer such high value goods under the "Free Super Saver Delivery" option.

Wednesday 1 December 2010

Time is Money

Toragg Inc's controversial new tablet computer is being released today to a tumult of sanctimonious contempt on the part of the mainstream press. The device is programmed to begin administering electric shocks to the user if they attempt to continue using it for a period in excess of 6 months, effectively forcing the buyer to upgrade. The release follows the news that next generation iPhones will automatically send out preset abusive messages to the entire contact list of those owners whose music taste is below par or who have fewer than 50 friends on Facebook.

Wednesday 6 October 2010

Each to their Own

Apple are pursuing legal action against a small key cutting company based in Worcestershire on the basis that they have been selling products with the letter 'i' in their names. The multinational technology company are said to be initiating a newly assertive approach to legal issues which it is believed may include an attempt to prevent all other companies from manufacturing products that require the use of the hands or fingers. Company spokespeople have continued to refute last week's reports that Apple employees had been recorded coating iPhones with bodily fluids before packing them into boxes for distribution and sale.