Dab Hand

Legume Telecom are currently surveying their customers to find out whether the whole gesture-text thing still has legs. So what about you guys, are you still loving it out loud? Brain Dead Air suspects most of us are at least halfway over gesticulexting, but what the hell would we know? Guess we'll all find out soon enough, rumour has it that Marlon and the Nappybags are planning an old school vase-bumping style tap dance reunion next month...

Save Face

The latest addition to our seemingly endless list of 'must have' mobile apps comes this week in the form of FlamJan SoftWear's disgustingly excellent BackTrack expression rendering engine interface. Those guys are so clever they've even included a complementary frown download for those of you who just can't get enough hardcore bitwise facial action.

Fit For Purpose

I told Microsoft I wanted a computer that would tolerate me continually drooling, weeping and defecating on it in new ways each day, and that would also let me post up pictures of the hilarious antics I get up to on the weekends, despite the fact that I'm a retarded gibbering arsepiece with no real use for technology, or for a functioning fucking brain for that matter. I have no grasp whatever of what a computer is, or is for, and yet here I am telling you about it in the bloody advert - and that's a good thing, because we should all have one, and make sure it has Windows 7 on it, if for no other purpose than seeing it there on your bank statement - what exactly in the name of Christ is it that you're waiting for?

Hold Your Breath

A new Google technology has been announced that it is hoped will eventually replace breathing. Google Ventilate is still under development, with plans to release it into the wild in the New Year. The Web search giant has become known for its tendency to move into many different and often somewhat unexpected areas, such as interior decoration, key cutting and most recently taxidermy. Rumours have been abound that the company is also set to unveil a network of Google surgeries across the globe, offering paediatric medicine and gynaecological services.

Nothing To Hide?

Microsoft are reportedly in talks with leading web publishers over a deal to embed code into several major sites, that will prevent their contents from being viewed, if the visitor is not using Internet Explorer on a Windows PC, wearing an I 'heart' Microsoft t-shirt and enthusiastically licking a photograph of Bill Gates throughout. The move has been described variously as 'uproariously inspired', 'almost certainly interesting' and 'fucking mad crazy shit' by a selection of anonymous bespectacled commentators at the bus stop.

Sound Bites

Controversial legislation is being discussed, through which anyone who publishes a sentence online, containing a higher ratio of consonant to vowel than 5:2, will be banned from the Internet forever. The move is intended to curb the rising incidence of electrocution that occurs when really stupid people read aloud from their favourite blogs, spraying spittle and drool across the computer screen. Legislators are expected to urge the police to put pressure on ISPs to enforce the new ruling should it be made law. It is not yet clear whether punctuation or emoticons will be affected, nor indeed has a reasonable case been made as to why we shouldn't just let these idiots die.

Grind You Down

Tipped to kick-start a revolution in Resolved Diametric Tolerance Effect thought, Champ Rimram's FoxTrap Nipple Grinder Protocol is due out later this week. With any luck it won't be accompanied by the Pickle 6 Stapling woes that famously plagued Pot Plant II, or at least not without a giant set of pliers to hand...

Taking Liberties

Electrical Rights Groups are stepping up the campaign to free the millions of bytes trapped and/ or destroyed every year through poor and inefficient design. Increased pressure is being put on technology companies to appoint Bit Representatives who would give these tiny chunks of memory a voice for the first time. Protesters, who've dubbed the current situation Data Genocide, welcomed upcoming EU regulation which is expected to make the appointments a legal obligation.

Tall Tales

The newest iPhone makes you taller! According to fan forums that is. Rumour has it that repeated use of the device also improves your IQ, increases sexual potency and makes your hair extremely lustrous, as well as virtually guaranteeing immortality of course. However, several unfortunate side effects have also been reported, including dribbling from the mouth and nose, urinating freely and, most commonly, behaving like an absolute fucking arse.

Revert to Type?

German technology firm Battlecosm Systems® are attempting to patent a series of keystrokes used within their online role-playing game Faerie or Foul. The sequence:

'CTRL+K+|+$+3 > ALT+G+[]'

is frequently used as a shortcut to dismember an opponent within the game, which is one of the biggest MMORPGs currently in operation. The move has been described variously as 'inspired', 'disgusting' and 'unbelievably discomfiting' by my next-door neighbours.