Cut of your lib?

Excited about wearable computing? Get with the programmable interface for Christ's sake, that's yesterday's hard-off. The next big thing in portable technology? Transforming parts of your body into technological components. Skin grafts that function as mobile devices. Having your eyeballs replaced by screen implants so that all of your friends can enjoy watching their favourite episodes of Friends while pretending to listen to your appalling drivel. And now there's the new iPad that you get tattooed on your body and control by poking your fingers up your nose and arse. Sound scary? I've already had every strand of hair on my entire body coated in an LCD substance capable of rendering images in RGB colour and am currently displaying a still from Spliced Pleasure - The Vampyr Directives VIII as my scalpsaver.

Rotten Apple?

Apple have responded to reports of the total inability of the latest iPhone to carry out successful phone calls with the claim that the fault lies within the minds of disgruntled customers. In an alleged irate email to the editor of a publication which had reported the story, Steve Jobs is said to have exclaimed: "if you must know we've been including a feature since the very first iPhone that prevents the phone from functioning correctly if it's being held by someone who either sweats profusely or has bad skin - frankly I have no interest in retaining their custom so they can fuck right off".

Point Blank?

TableLeg Inc. co-founder Stevin Plaster is becoming known more for his somewhat baffling development projects than for the universally lauded productivity software that made him famous. PlumpMyApps is his latest release, and has been accompanied by the usual unquestioning rejoicements on the TL fanboards. Only thing is, no-one seems to know what it's for. The following is an excerpt from an interview with the man himself in Pliableware Review:

"It's basically a kind of programming yeast for applications lacking the requisite thrust in either data, structure or both. It's particularly well suited to companies who adopt any of the Nubile development models, and who don't mind a little excess gravy in among their variables."

Well? Answers on an e-card...

New Kids on the Block

A Web service is helping new parents to choose search engine friendly names for their children. ConnectaChild offer a number of Internet services to expectant parents who want to make a head start on their offspring's social networking efforts. These days it's difficult for young people to get noticed, and of course we all want the best for our kids. To this end prospective parents are accumulating huge numbers of friends for their unborn babies on Facebook and other networks, with child protection agencies becoming increasingly worried that the parents of newborns with only few friends at the time of birth may be more likely to consider giving the children up for adoption, after all who wants a friendless child?

A controversial site has recently begun showcasing in-utero ultrasound images and videos, with visitors being given the chance to vote and comment on the best (and worst) on show. In a trial version of the site, the comments on one nearly-child's video read 'what a total fucking loser' and 'you make me want to vomit my own internal organs you useless little shit', prompting fears that the practise may be potentially damaging to the self-perception of the pre-born involved.

Last month a notorious website was closed down by police after complaints triggered an investigation. The site allowed visitors to vote on whether or not fetuses should be aborted, based on pictures of them. Expectant (and undecided) mothers posted the ultrasound images and signed a contract binding them to the decision made by voters, with the termination procedures paid for by the website. Authorities were alerted by reports of disgruntled site users pursuing legal action against mothers who had failed to abide by the public vote.

Dearest Diary

Maz Lantek has been affording us tech people a glimpse of life at the ultimate forefront of aspirational geekery for not one but three consecutive years through his blogish postings on the web-facias of varying media outlets. This week he's publishing an exclusive diary entry on BrainDeadAir, right here, right fuckering now.

Tue 8 Jun, approaching dusk
Tried the new lickable version of the iPad today, tastes like pure unadulterated coolness.
mL x

Safe New World

Industry insiders believe Apple is developing a new computing device that will be completely unable to browse traditional websites. The device will instead allow users the significantly more fulfilling experience of viewing a set of specially designed iSites, which will be of a superior quality to normal websites, in every way that matters, according to the recently compiled Appleness Constitution, that is. The move is being read as an exploratory measure in establishing the level of participation that might be expected for the reported upcoming development of the iSland, a tropical paradise nation to which selected consumers will be able, at a small cost, to emigrate. The state is expected to comprise a benevolent dictatorship of gadgets, and citizens will be given free cosmetic surgery on arrival to make them appear quirkily creative while approachable, and of course shit-staggeringly gorgeous.

Five essential pathTrap protocol plug-ins for the TeeTee3

Following last month's appallingly successful run down of those must-hack Yank-drop extensions, we've decided to let you in on our top picks for the Big Boy Collective's upcoming developmentalist protocol tracking tools.
1. Lice Mat pinholdings
2. Wanx
3. Fixup temp by Darn Satchelson
4. TipMaster II (with optional Torque Combs)
5. The Moon
But hey, what the fuck would we know? We just code ourselves to within an inch of our lives on a daily basis...

Ashes to Ashes

Scientists have allegedly made some startling discoveries about the Icelandic ash that's been causing so much travel chaos recently - but they don't want you to know about them... A leaked email between colleagues at a top secret government research institute indicates that, rather than being produced by a volcano, as per the established version of events, the ash is actually a by-product of some disturbing industrial processes being carried out offshore. Microscopic particles from the ash reveal that it contains genetic material, brain matter in particular, and whose brain - why, none other than Steve Jobs himself. Rumour has it an army of clones are being developed, in order that the world might better cope should the master copy be compromised in some way. It has been believed for some time that a number of public appearances by the Apple boss were, in reality, attended by lookalike iDroids as a defence against assassination attempts.

Get Busy Coding

InvenTive CanCan's Slightly Ajar 9 comes out this week, to the immense relief of more than a few expressivePan-preoccupied programmers. Rumour has it the new edition of the SuperIndustriousness suite contains a host of goodies, including live spinthread visualisation, databox pummelling and category sifting (apparently based on the candiBich engine) not to mention a sigh-inducing Porridge-themed interface that'll make you go weak at the fingertips. Sound good enough for you? Fine, now code me till I shit myself.

Forbidden Fruit

In the latest installment of strife between Apple and Google/ Adobe/ [insert name here] fans, a number of anti-Apple webmasters have started to insert code within their pages to detect whether the visitor is browsing on an Apple device, and if so replace the site content with a large image of the word TOOL tattooed on a bloated penis. This is however, unlikely to prove problematic for Apple customers, since browsing any website that is not listed on Apple's iComeReady list is soon to be forbidden to them anyway. Sites excluded from the list are those that do not make Steve Jobs spontaneously moan with pleasure when viewing them on an Mac, iPhone or of course iPad.