Ashes to Ashes

Scientists have allegedly made some startling discoveries about the Icelandic ash that's been causing so much travel chaos recently - but they don't want you to know about them... A leaked email between colleagues at a top secret government research institute indicates that, rather than being produced by a volcano, as per the established version of events, the ash is actually a by-product of some disturbing industrial processes being carried out offshore. Microscopic particles from the ash reveal that it contains genetic material, brain matter in particular, and whose brain - why, none other than Steve Jobs himself. Rumour has it an army of clones are being developed, in order that the world might better cope should the master copy be compromised in some way. It has been believed for some time that a number of public appearances by the Apple boss were, in reality, attended by lookalike iDroids as a defence against assassination attempts.

Get Busy Coding

InvenTive CanCan's Slightly Ajar 9 comes out this week, to the immense relief of more than a few expressivePan-preoccupied programmers. Rumour has it the new edition of the SuperIndustriousness suite contains a host of goodies, including live spinthread visualisation, databox pummelling and category sifting (apparently based on the candiBich engine) not to mention a sigh-inducing Porridge-themed interface that'll make you go weak at the fingertips. Sound good enough for you? Fine, now code me till I shit myself.

Forbidden Fruit

In the latest installment of strife between Apple and Google/ Adobe/ [insert name here] fans, a number of anti-Apple webmasters have started to insert code within their pages to detect whether the visitor is browsing on an Apple device, and if so replace the site content with a large image of the word TOOL tattooed on a bloated penis. This is however, unlikely to prove problematic for Apple customers, since browsing any website that is not listed on Apple's iComeReady list is soon to be forbidden to them anyway. Sites excluded from the list are those that do not make Steve Jobs spontaneously moan with pleasure when viewing them on an Mac, iPhone or of course iPad.

Better Safe than Sorry

The games world is reeling from the news that a recent study has revealed an increased tendency for rape, murder and general obnoxiousness to occur at the same longitude as people playing certain consoles. Ministers are now expected to buckle under already considerable pressure to not only ban the games, but also to destroy those already circulated in a series of ceremonial bonfires to be broadcast live on BBC1 as an effort to build public confidence, and of course to put to death all those who purchased, used or tolerated the offending consoles in any sense. At last we'll be one step closer to a safer world in which children will be able to run free without their parents having to get involved on a daily basis.

Something Old Something New

Pillow Tok's newest line in technically excellent productivity style appliances is due to be unveiled this week, which is surely bound to mean yet more grist to the tiP chanCing mill. Good news for Alex Timraft and his lake-boarding chums maybe but what about the rest of us? Guess we'll just have to make do with Bit Depository Snatching for now...

Dab Hand

Legume Telecom are currently surveying their customers to find out whether the whole gesture-text thing still has legs. So what about you guys, are you still loving it out loud? Brain Dead Air suspects most of us are at least halfway over gesticulexting, but what the hell would we know? Guess we'll all find out soon enough, rumour has it that Marlon and the Nappybags are planning an old school vase-bumping style tap dance reunion next month...

Save Face

The latest addition to our seemingly endless list of 'must have' mobile apps comes this week in the form of FlamJan SoftWear's disgustingly excellent BackTrack expression rendering engine interface. Those guys are so clever they've even included a complementary frown download for those of you who just can't get enough hardcore bitwise facial action.

Fit For Purpose

I told Microsoft I wanted a computer that would tolerate me continually drooling, weeping and defecating on it in new ways each day, and that would also let me post up pictures of the hilarious antics I get up to on the weekends, despite the fact that I'm a retarded gibbering arsepiece with no real use for technology, or for a functioning fucking brain for that matter. I have no grasp whatever of what a computer is, or is for, and yet here I am telling you about it in the bloody advert - and that's a good thing, because we should all have one, and make sure it has Windows 7 on it, if for no other purpose than seeing it there on your bank statement - what exactly in the name of Christ is it that you're waiting for?

Hold Your Breath

A new Google technology has been announced that it is hoped will eventually replace breathing. Google Ventilate is still under development, with plans to release it into the wild in the New Year. The Web search giant has become known for its tendency to move into many different and often somewhat unexpected areas, such as interior decoration, key cutting and most recently taxidermy. Rumours have been abound that the company is also set to unveil a network of Google surgeries across the globe, offering paediatric medicine and gynaecological services.

Nothing To Hide?

Microsoft are reportedly in talks with leading web publishers over a deal to embed code into several major sites, that will prevent their contents from being viewed, if the visitor is not using Internet Explorer on a Windows PC, wearing an I 'heart' Microsoft t-shirt and enthusiastically licking a photograph of Bill Gates throughout. The move has been described variously as 'uproariously inspired', 'almost certainly interesting' and 'fucking mad crazy shit' by a selection of anonymous bespectacled commentators at the bus stop.