Dearest Diary

Maz Lantek has been affording us tech people a glimpse of life at the ultimate forefront of aspirational geekery for not one but three consecutive years through his blogish postings on the web-facias of varying media outlets. This week he's publishing an exclusive diary entry on BrainDeadAir, right here, right fuckering now.

Tue 8 Jun, approaching dusk
Tried the new lickable version of the iPad today, tastes like pure unadulterated coolness.
mL x

Safe New World

Industry insiders believe Apple is developing a new computing device that will be completely unable to browse traditional websites. The device will instead allow users the significantly more fulfilling experience of viewing a set of specially designed iSites, which will be of a superior quality to normal websites, in every way that matters, according to the recently compiled Appleness Constitution, that is. The move is being read as an exploratory measure in establishing the level of participation that might be expected for the reported upcoming development of the iSland, a tropical paradise nation to which selected consumers will be able, at a small cost, to emigrate. The state is expected to comprise a benevolent dictatorship of gadgets, and citizens will be given free cosmetic surgery on arrival to make them appear quirkily creative while approachable, and of course shit-staggeringly gorgeous.

Five essential pathTrap protocol plug-ins for the TeeTee3

Following last month's appallingly successful run down of those must-hack Yank-drop extensions, we've decided to let you in on our top picks for the Big Boy Collective's upcoming developmentalist protocol tracking tools.
1. Lice Mat pinholdings
2. Wanx
3. Fixup temp by Darn Satchelson
4. TipMaster II (with optional Torque Combs)
5. The Moon
But hey, what the fuck would we know? We just code ourselves to within an inch of our lives on a daily basis...

Ashes to Ashes

Scientists have allegedly made some startling discoveries about the Icelandic ash that's been causing so much travel chaos recently - but they don't want you to know about them... A leaked email between colleagues at a top secret government research institute indicates that, rather than being produced by a volcano, as per the established version of events, the ash is actually a by-product of some disturbing industrial processes being carried out offshore. Microscopic particles from the ash reveal that it contains genetic material, brain matter in particular, and whose brain - why, none other than Steve Jobs himself. Rumour has it an army of clones are being developed, in order that the world might better cope should the master copy be compromised in some way. It has been believed for some time that a number of public appearances by the Apple boss were, in reality, attended by lookalike iDroids as a defence against assassination attempts.

Get Busy Coding

InvenTive CanCan's Slightly Ajar 9 comes out this week, to the immense relief of more than a few expressivePan-preoccupied programmers. Rumour has it the new edition of the SuperIndustriousness suite contains a host of goodies, including live spinthread visualisation, databox pummelling and category sifting (apparently based on the candiBich engine) not to mention a sigh-inducing Porridge-themed interface that'll make you go weak at the fingertips. Sound good enough for you? Fine, now code me till I shit myself.

Forbidden Fruit

In the latest installment of strife between Apple and Google/ Adobe/ [insert name here] fans, a number of anti-Apple webmasters have started to insert code within their pages to detect whether the visitor is browsing on an Apple device, and if so replace the site content with a large image of the word TOOL tattooed on a bloated penis. This is however, unlikely to prove problematic for Apple customers, since browsing any website that is not listed on Apple's iComeReady list is soon to be forbidden to them anyway. Sites excluded from the list are those that do not make Steve Jobs spontaneously moan with pleasure when viewing them on an Mac, iPhone or of course iPad.

Better Safe than Sorry

The games world is reeling from the news that a recent study has revealed an increased tendency for rape, murder and general obnoxiousness to occur at the same longitude as people playing certain consoles. Ministers are now expected to buckle under already considerable pressure to not only ban the games, but also to destroy those already circulated in a series of ceremonial bonfires to be broadcast live on BBC1 as an effort to build public confidence, and of course to put to death all those who purchased, used or tolerated the offending consoles in any sense. At last we'll be one step closer to a safer world in which children will be able to run free without their parents having to get involved on a daily basis.

Something Old Something New

Pillow Tok's newest line in technically excellent productivity style appliances is due to be unveiled this week, which is surely bound to mean yet more grist to the tiP chanCing mill. Good news for Alex Timraft and his lake-boarding chums maybe but what about the rest of us? Guess we'll just have to make do with Bit Depository Snatching for now...

Dab Hand

Legume Telecom are currently surveying their customers to find out whether the whole gesture-text thing still has legs. So what about you guys, are you still loving it out loud? Brain Dead Air suspects most of us are at least halfway over gesticulexting, but what the hell would we know? Guess we'll all find out soon enough, rumour has it that Marlon and the Nappybags are planning an old school vase-bumping style tap dance reunion next month...

Save Face

The latest addition to our seemingly endless list of 'must have' mobile apps comes this week in the form of FlamJan SoftWear's disgustingly excellent BackTrack expression rendering engine interface. Those guys are so clever they've even included a complementary frown download for those of you who just can't get enough hardcore bitwise facial action.