Fit For Purpose

I told Microsoft I wanted a computer that would tolerate me continually drooling, weeping and defecating on it in new ways each day, and that would also let me post up pictures of the hilarious antics I get up to on the weekends, despite the fact that I'm a retarded gibbering arsepiece with no real use for technology, or for a functioning fucking brain for that matter. I have no grasp whatever of what a computer is, or is for, and yet here I am telling you about it in the bloody advert - and that's a good thing, because we should all have one, and make sure it has Windows 7 on it, if for no other purpose than seeing it there on your bank statement - what exactly in the name of Christ is it that you're waiting for?

Hold Your Breath

A new Google technology has been announced that it is hoped will eventually replace breathing. Google Ventilate is still under development, with plans to release it into the wild in the New Year. The Web search giant has become known for its tendency to move into many different and often somewhat unexpected areas, such as interior decoration, key cutting and most recently taxidermy. Rumours have been abound that the company is also set to unveil a network of Google surgeries across the globe, offering paediatric medicine and gynaecological services.

Nothing To Hide?

Microsoft are reportedly in talks with leading web publishers over a deal to embed code into several major sites, that will prevent their contents from being viewed, if the visitor is not using Internet Explorer on a Windows PC, wearing an I 'heart' Microsoft t-shirt and enthusiastically licking a photograph of Bill Gates throughout. The move has been described variously as 'uproariously inspired', 'almost certainly interesting' and 'fucking mad crazy shit' by a selection of anonymous bespectacled commentators at the bus stop.

Sound Bites

Controversial legislation is being discussed, through which anyone who publishes a sentence online, containing a higher ratio of consonant to vowel than 5:2, will be banned from the Internet forever. The move is intended to curb the rising incidence of electrocution that occurs when really stupid people read aloud from their favourite blogs, spraying spittle and drool across the computer screen. Legislators are expected to urge the police to put pressure on ISPs to enforce the new ruling should it be made law. It is not yet clear whether punctuation or emoticons will be affected, nor indeed has a reasonable case been made as to why we shouldn't just let these idiots die.

Grind You Down

Tipped to kick-start a revolution in Resolved Diametric Tolerance Effect thought, Champ Rimram's FoxTrap Nipple Grinder Protocol is due out later this week. With any luck it won't be accompanied by the Pickle 6 Stapling woes that famously plagued Pot Plant II, or at least not without a giant set of pliers to hand...

Taking Liberties

Electrical Rights Groups are stepping up the campaign to free the millions of bytes trapped and/ or destroyed every year through poor and inefficient design. Increased pressure is being put on technology companies to appoint Bit Representatives who would give these tiny chunks of memory a voice for the first time. Protesters, who've dubbed the current situation Data Genocide, welcomed upcoming EU regulation which is expected to make the appointments a legal obligation.

Tall Tales

The newest iPhone makes you taller! According to fan forums that is. Rumour has it that repeated use of the device also improves your IQ, increases sexual potency and makes your hair extremely lustrous, as well as virtually guaranteeing immortality of course. However, several unfortunate side effects have also been reported, including dribbling from the mouth and nose, urinating freely and, most commonly, behaving like an absolute fucking arse.

Revert to Type?

German technology firm Battlecosm Systems® are attempting to patent a series of keystrokes used within their online role-playing game Faerie or Foul. The sequence:

'CTRL+K+|+$+3 > ALT+G+[]'

is frequently used as a shortcut to dismember an opponent within the game, which is one of the biggest MMORPGs currently in operation. The move has been described variously as 'inspired', 'disgusting' and 'unbelievably discomfiting' by my next-door neighbours.

Shell Shock

New Linux distro issues an electric shock whenever the user thinks about Microsoft.
The controversial move was initiated by Flin Stympyl of RealGnixxx9 who was recently quoted as saying "I've just about had it with these fucking idiots who can't tell the difference between stovEbus memory and hardJuice retention - CAN YOU EVEN FUCKING IMAGINE THAT?" to his gran after high-tea. Good luck with that then...

Sock It To Me

This week's edition of LimedX Magazine comes with a free portrait disorganiser, it also features a rare interview with Waiy Tiresum, inventor of the bobble-goggled toe-sock, which was given some much needed publicity last month when Tie McBanjon mentioned it in passing during a vococast on gg^&kebab))ix2.com - just don't mention the Cycledrive Ttopeware incident, he still has the bathing scars...

See No Evil

Scientists have discovered an 'evil' gene in the common fruit fly. Specimens inheriting the recessive chromosome were found to be significantly filthier, nastier and just generally more unpleasant to be around, in some cases exhibiting impressively bastard-like obnoxiousness. Ethical groups have expressed concern that use of the development within the field of human genetic research may encourage the desire for 'designer babies', which it is feared may result in a super-race of beautiful, talented and fragrant children with neon skin and whose defecation would most likely take the form of a pink cellophane-coated caramel-scented pellet.

Own The Process

Developers at this month's Patsch fair were treated to a sneak preview of the Banana Sandwich Inc Tabularmous Suite, 'the software that takes the agony out of bi-factual incendiary algorithmic composition'. The much anticipated release will finally see the last of TackyType, and hopefully put to bed those rumours of a Pam Pam XI reunion...

Think of a Number

How many days in the week? 11R4t-*i', or 7 in decimal...

A previously unknown numbering system has been discovered in the Patagonian Desert. Magentary is truly unique: where binary uses base-2, and decimal uses base-10, what base does Magentary use? - pink. That's right, it's a rose-based system, something the mainstream scientific community previously believed impossible. Dr Timothy Spatula of the Oblong Research and Discovery Institute:

"Just when you think you've seen it all, number-wise that is, along comes a fucking big magenta number 5 and gives you a good hard kick in the balls".

The last great numerical discovery occurred just 15 years ago near a remote village in the Bavarian Alps, when a small child found a particularly random integer that had been hidden in a disused refuse tank by her mathematician uncle during the Second World War, in the hope that the Nazis would never get their hands on it. The news follows a high profile court case regarding a set of extremely rational numbers that were found stuck up a drainpipe in Cornwall.

Not So Super Bowl

A controversial game has been withdrawn from the SmartChair mobile app store following a number of complaints. The Bowl-A-Mama program involves knocking over as many crippled pregnant refugees as possible by throwing the dismembered body parts of abused terminally-ill baby animals at them.

Idle Hands...

PecanType - an intuitive tetro-development future-seeing interface for the hard-of-coding built exclusively for the Peii2 platform: not this again, surely? Afraid so; Axis Of The Whole Inc have got another tiresome addition to their pointless range of 'Code Whisking' tools they'd like us to tolerate - not likely love...

And So We Begin

Ever wished you could have been a fly on the wall at the moment you, your fantastic self, were spat into existence? A new service provides customers with a digital re-enactment of their own conception using 3D animation. Satisfied customers are emailed a high resolution image from the beginning of their undeniable existence (ready for immediate posting on your facebook profile), along with the contact details for the nearest psychotherapist.

Great - But Why Have We Not Done It Until Now?

Leading technologists are busily setting about the task of figuring out why we haven't achieved to date more than we might have expected to according to previous projections in the minds of other leading technologists. Initial research shows that even the greatest advances in technology should really have happened far earlier than they in fact did, with claims, for example, that the tardis-shaped mp3 player should, if we were to think ourselves at all civilised, have been available prior to 2002. The study is anticipated to establish findings with a much higher degree of insight and accuracy than it more than likely will.

Small World

A new type of proton has been discovered which can heal itself. The particle has been nicknamed Poncho after the infamous Martina Martini's childhood pet dog. Apparently she was really into subatomic particles, and eggs of course.

Talk to the Hand

Nanavivovavum releases Pocket Feeling Socket Bouncing Tickle Chip Proton Pouch that'll comb your hair! And not before time..

Too Much Information

Dr Light O'Shaughnessy of the ScuM Insitute has hit the headlines again with his latest Being Processing Protocol. The guys at Beast Central have already christened it JoySlaughter...

Fly Me To The Mean

BioMental Ltd want to make pigs fly, in EtherSpace that is. The latest 'leaked' footage of the notorious development project also contains what appear to be transexual ants carrying out what can only be described as libidinous acts. Rumour has it the pigs are going to be starring in an upcoming series of ads for a well-known brand of adhesive...

What Fresh Hell is This?

Patrick Shoulder of LifeLyk Xperiences Ltd is claiming to have perfected the experience of going outdoors, all from within the comfort of your own bedsit. OutdoorsIn is the Variegated Reality program that affords you all* the benefits of the open air but without the annoying children, flies and expectations that, let's face it, we all dread. Never again have your morning walk tainted by the worry that someone you spoke to briefly may have thought that you meant something different to what you in fact did.
*ok, none then

Yet Another Failure for Burty?

Etchlog Digital Livery provided critics with yet more ammunition yesterday releasing their 'update' to last year's mirth-inducing Logical Disclosure Management system. As if things weren't bad enough for Etchlog, the new version contains a number of additional features, including FFR (^2t) support, custom edits and something they call 'inductive poisoning'. Need we say any more?

The Colour of Theft?

Recent reports show that a shocking 97.8% of websites use colours without affording due credit to their creators. Further to this, the overwhelming majority of webmasters are completely unaware that the colours are actually the product of detailed design efforts by 'huedoctors' as they are known within the colour mastering community.

The Physics of Sarcasm

Dr Philippe Knocking's much anticipated book on the Physics of Sarcasm is released today. His pioneering research is already known to have furnished the academic world with a number of revelations relating to the subject, such as the now largely unquestioned hypothesis 17x^(irony+32)=11snorts-4, otherwise known as the smart-arse principle.

Legloose and Fancy Free?

This month finally saw Skimtype Lifesystems' prototype Legless Child beta release. One question still remains - will it be able to jump? Come on Max, we're all ears, unlike the F5r4#m-9...

Did I Really Write That?

Scientists have created the world's first self-erasing pencil. The device features a computer program which makes a value judgement every 17 words and automatically erases any text making the writer seem an ignorant prick, or comprising a risk to national security.