Fit For Purpose

I told Microsoft I wanted a computer that would tolerate me continually drooling, weeping and defecating on it in new ways each day, and that would also let me post up pictures of the hilarious antics I get up to on the weekends, despite the fact that I'm a retarded gibbering arsepiece with no real use for technology, or for a functioning fucking brain for that matter. I have no grasp whatever of what a computer is, or is for, and yet here I am telling you about it in the bloody advert - and that's a good thing, because we should all have one, and make sure it has Windows 7 on it, if for no other purpose than seeing it there on your bank statement - what exactly in the name of Christ is it that you're waiting for?

Hold Your Breath

A new Google technology has been announced that it is hoped will eventually replace breathing. Google Ventilate is still under development, with plans to release it into the wild in the New Year. The Web search giant has become known for its tendency to move into many different and often somewhat unexpected areas, such as interior decoration, key cutting and most recently taxidermy. Rumours have been abound that the company is also set to unveil a network of Google surgeries across the globe, offering paediatric medicine and gynaecological services.