Nothing To Hide?

Microsoft are reportedly in talks with leading web publishers over a deal to embed code into several major sites, that will prevent their contents from being viewed, if the visitor is not using Internet Explorer on a Windows PC, wearing an I 'heart' Microsoft t-shirt and enthusiastically licking a photograph of Bill Gates throughout. The move has been described variously as 'uproariously inspired', 'almost certainly interesting' and 'fucking mad crazy shit' by a selection of anonymous bespectacled commentators at the bus stop.

Sound Bites

Controversial legislation is being discussed, through which anyone who publishes a sentence online, containing a higher ratio of consonant to vowel than 5:2, will be banned from the Internet forever. The move is intended to curb the rising incidence of electrocution that occurs when really stupid people read aloud from their favourite blogs, spraying spittle and drool across the computer screen. Legislators are expected to urge the police to put pressure on ISPs to enforce the new ruling should it be made law. It is not yet clear whether punctuation or emoticons will be affected, nor indeed has a reasonable case been made as to why we shouldn't just let these idiots die.