Own The Process

Developers at this month's Patsch fair were treated to a sneak preview of the Banana Sandwich Inc Tabularmous Suite, 'the software that takes the agony out of bi-factual incendiary algorithmic composition'. The much anticipated release will finally see the last of TackyType, and hopefully put to bed those rumours of a Pam Pam XI reunion...

Think of a Number

How many days in the week? 11R4t-*i', or 7 in decimal...

A previously unknown numbering system has been discovered in the Patagonian Desert. Magentary is truly unique: where binary uses base-2, and decimal uses base-10, what base does Magentary use? - pink. That's right, it's a rose-based system, something the mainstream scientific community previously believed impossible. Dr Timothy Spatula of the Oblong Research and Discovery Institute:

"Just when you think you've seen it all, number-wise that is, along comes a fucking big magenta number 5 and gives you a good hard kick in the balls".

The last great numerical discovery occurred just 15 years ago near a remote village in the Bavarian Alps, when a small child found a particularly random integer that had been hidden in a disused refuse tank by her mathematician uncle during the Second World War, in the hope that the Nazis would never get their hands on it. The news follows a high profile court case regarding a set of extremely rational numbers that were found stuck up a drainpipe in Cornwall.

Not So Super Bowl

A controversial game has been withdrawn from the SmartChair mobile app store following a number of complaints. The Bowl-A-Mama program involves knocking over as many crippled pregnant refugees as possible by throwing the dismembered body parts of abused terminally-ill baby animals at them.

Idle Hands...

PecanType - an intuitive tetro-development future-seeing interface for the hard-of-coding built exclusively for the Peii2 platform: not this again, surely? Afraid so; Axis Of The Whole Inc have got another tiresome addition to their pointless range of 'Code Whisking' tools they'd like us to tolerate - not likely love...

And So We Begin

Ever wished you could have been a fly on the wall at the moment you, your fantastic self, were spat into existence? A new service provides customers with a digital re-enactment of their own conception using 3D animation. Satisfied customers are emailed a high resolution image from the beginning of their undeniable existence (ready for immediate posting on your facebook profile), along with the contact details for the nearest psychotherapist.

Great - But Why Have We Not Done It Until Now?

Leading technologists are busily setting about the task of figuring out why we haven't achieved to date more than we might have expected to according to previous projections in the minds of other leading technologists. Initial research shows that even the greatest advances in technology should really have happened far earlier than they in fact did, with claims, for example, that the tardis-shaped mp3 player should, if we were to think ourselves at all civilised, have been available prior to 2002. The study is anticipated to establish findings with a much higher degree of insight and accuracy than it more than likely will.

Small World

A new type of proton has been discovered which can heal itself. The particle has been nicknamed Poncho after the infamous Martina Martini's childhood pet dog. Apparently she was really into subatomic particles, and eggs of course.

Talk to the Hand

Nanavivovavum releases Pocket Feeling Socket Bouncing Tickle Chip Proton Pouch that'll comb your hair! And not before time..

Too Much Information

Dr Light O'Shaughnessy of the ScuM Insitute has hit the headlines again with his latest Being Processing Protocol. The guys at Beast Central have already christened it JoySlaughter...

Fly Me To The Mean

BioMental Ltd want to make pigs fly, in EtherSpace that is. The latest 'leaked' footage of the notorious development project also contains what appear to be transexual ants carrying out what can only be described as libidinous acts. Rumour has it the pigs are going to be starring in an upcoming series of ads for a well-known brand of adhesive...