Great - But Why Have We Not Done It Until Now?

Leading technologists are busily setting about the task of figuring out why we haven't achieved to date more than we might have expected to according to previous projections in the minds of other leading technologists. Initial research shows that even the greatest advances in technology should really have happened far earlier than they in fact did, with claims, for example, that the tardis-shaped mp3 player should, if we were to think ourselves at all civilised, have been available prior to 2002. The study is anticipated to establish findings with a much higher degree of insight and accuracy than it more than likely will.

Small World

A new type of proton has been discovered which can heal itself. The particle has been nicknamed Poncho after the infamous Martina Martini's childhood pet dog. Apparently she was really into subatomic particles, and eggs of course.

Talk to the Hand

Nanavivovavum releases Pocket Feeling Socket Bouncing Tickle Chip Proton Pouch that'll comb your hair! And not before time..

Too Much Information

Dr Light O'Shaughnessy of the ScuM Insitute has hit the headlines again with his latest Being Processing Protocol. The guys at Beast Central have already christened it JoySlaughter...

Fly Me To The Mean

BioMental Ltd want to make pigs fly, in EtherSpace that is. The latest 'leaked' footage of the notorious development project also contains what appear to be transexual ants carrying out what can only be described as libidinous acts. Rumour has it the pigs are going to be starring in an upcoming series of ads for a well-known brand of adhesive...

What Fresh Hell is This?

Patrick Shoulder of LifeLyk Xperiences Ltd is claiming to have perfected the experience of going outdoors, all from within the comfort of your own bedsit. OutdoorsIn is the Variegated Reality program that affords you all* the benefits of the open air but without the annoying children, flies and expectations that, let's face it, we all dread. Never again have your morning walk tainted by the worry that someone you spoke to briefly may have thought that you meant something different to what you in fact did.
*ok, none then

Yet Another Failure for Burty?

Etchlog Digital Livery provided critics with yet more ammunition yesterday releasing their 'update' to last year's mirth-inducing Logical Disclosure Management system. As if things weren't bad enough for Etchlog, the new version contains a number of additional features, including FFR (^2t) support, custom edits and something they call 'inductive poisoning'. Need we say any more?

The Colour of Theft?

Recent reports show that a shocking 97.8% of websites use colours without affording due credit to their creators. Further to this, the overwhelming majority of webmasters are completely unaware that the colours are actually the product of detailed design efforts by 'huedoctors' as they are known within the colour mastering community.

The Physics of Sarcasm

Dr Philippe Knocking's much anticipated book on the Physics of Sarcasm is released today. His pioneering research is already known to have furnished the academic world with a number of revelations relating to the subject, such as the now largely unquestioned hypothesis 17x^(irony+32)=11snorts-4, otherwise known as the smart-arse principle.

Legloose and Fancy Free?

This month finally saw Skimtype Lifesystems' prototype Legless Child beta release. One question still remains - will it be able to jump? Come on Max, we're all ears, unlike the F5r4#m-9...