Grind You Down

Tipped to kick-start a revolution in Resolved Diametric Tolerance Effect thought, Champ Rimram's FoxTrap Nipple Grinder Protocol is due out later this week. With any luck it won't be accompanied by the Pickle 6 Stapling woes that famously plagued Pot Plant II, or at least not without a giant set of pliers to hand...

Taking Liberties

Electrical Rights Groups are stepping up the campaign to free the millions of bytes trapped and/ or destroyed every year through poor and inefficient design. Increased pressure is being put on technology companies to appoint Bit Representatives who would give these tiny chunks of memory a voice for the first time. Protesters, who've dubbed the current situation Data Genocide, welcomed upcoming EU regulation which is expected to make the appointments a legal obligation.

Tall Tales

The newest iPhone makes you taller! According to fan forums that is. Rumour has it that repeated use of the device also improves your IQ, increases sexual potency and makes your hair extremely lustrous, as well as virtually guaranteeing immortality of course. However, several unfortunate side effects have also been reported, including dribbling from the mouth and nose, urinating freely and, most commonly, behaving like an absolute fucking arse.

Revert to Type?

German technology firm Battlecosm Systems® are attempting to patent a series of keystrokes used within their online role-playing game Faerie or Foul. The sequence:

'CTRL+K+|+$+3 > ALT+G+[]'

is frequently used as a shortcut to dismember an opponent within the game, which is one of the biggest MMORPGs currently in operation. The move has been described variously as 'inspired', 'disgusting' and 'unbelievably discomfiting' by my next-door neighbours.

Shell Shock

New Linux distro issues an electric shock whenever the user thinks about Microsoft.
The controversial move was initiated by Flin Stympyl of RealGnixxx9 who was recently quoted as saying "I've just about had it with these fucking idiots who can't tell the difference between stovEbus memory and hardJuice retention - CAN YOU EVEN FUCKING IMAGINE THAT?" to his gran after high-tea. Good luck with that then...

Sock It To Me

This week's edition of LimedX Magazine comes with a free portrait disorganiser, it also features a rare interview with Waiy Tiresum, inventor of the bobble-goggled toe-sock, which was given some much needed publicity last month when Tie McBanjon mentioned it in passing during a vococast on gg^&kebab))ix2.com - just don't mention the Cycledrive Ttopeware incident, he still has the bathing scars...

See No Evil

Scientists have discovered an 'evil' gene in the common fruit fly. Specimens inheriting the recessive chromosome were found to be significantly filthier, nastier and just generally more unpleasant to be around, in some cases exhibiting impressively bastard-like obnoxiousness. Ethical groups have expressed concern that use of the development within the field of human genetic research may encourage the desire for 'designer babies', which it is feared may result in a super-race of beautiful, talented and fragrant children with neon skin and whose defecation would most likely take the form of a pink cellophane-coated caramel-scented pellet.

Own The Process

Developers at this month's Patsch fair were treated to a sneak preview of the Banana Sandwich Inc Tabularmous Suite, 'the software that takes the agony out of bi-factual incendiary algorithmic composition'. The much anticipated release will finally see the last of TackyType, and hopefully put to bed those rumours of a Pam Pam XI reunion...

Think of a Number

How many days in the week? 11R4t-*i', or 7 in decimal...

A previously unknown numbering system has been discovered in the Patagonian Desert. Magentary is truly unique: where binary uses base-2, and decimal uses base-10, what base does Magentary use? - pink. That's right, it's a rose-based system, something the mainstream scientific community previously believed impossible. Dr Timothy Spatula of the Oblong Research and Discovery Institute:

"Just when you think you've seen it all, number-wise that is, along comes a fucking big magenta number 5 and gives you a good hard kick in the balls".

The last great numerical discovery occurred just 15 years ago near a remote village in the Bavarian Alps, when a small child found a particularly random integer that had been hidden in a disused refuse tank by her mathematician uncle during the Second World War, in the hope that the Nazis would never get their hands on it. The news follows a high profile court case regarding a set of extremely rational numbers that were found stuck up a drainpipe in Cornwall.

Not So Super Bowl

A controversial game has been withdrawn from the SmartChair mobile app store following a number of complaints. The Bowl-A-Mama program involves knocking over as many crippled pregnant refugees as possible by throwing the dismembered body parts of abused terminally-ill baby animals at them.