Ashes to Ashes

Scientists have allegedly made some startling discoveries about the Icelandic ash that's been causing so much travel chaos recently - but they don't want you to know about them... A leaked email between colleagues at a top secret government research institute indicates that, rather than being produced by a volcano, as per the established version of events, the ash is actually a by-product of some disturbing industrial processes being carried out offshore. Microscopic particles from the ash reveal that it contains genetic material, brain matter in particular, and whose brain - why, none other than Steve Jobs himself. Rumour has it an army of clones are being developed, in order that the world might better cope should the master copy be compromised in some way. It has been believed for some time that a number of public appearances by the Apple boss were, in reality, attended by lookalike iDroids as a defence against assassination attempts.

Get Busy Coding

InvenTive CanCan's Slightly Ajar 9 comes out this week, to the immense relief of more than a few expressivePan-preoccupied programmers. Rumour has it the new edition of the SuperIndustriousness suite contains a host of goodies, including live spinthread visualisation, databox pummelling and category sifting (apparently based on the candiBich engine) not to mention a sigh-inducing Porridge-themed interface that'll make you go weak at the fingertips. Sound good enough for you? Fine, now code me till I shit myself.

Forbidden Fruit

In the latest installment of strife between Apple and Google/ Adobe/ [insert name here] fans, a number of anti-Apple webmasters have started to insert code within their pages to detect whether the visitor is browsing on an Apple device, and if so replace the site content with a large image of the word TOOL tattooed on a bloated penis. This is however, unlikely to prove problematic for Apple customers, since browsing any website that is not listed on Apple's iComeReady list is soon to be forbidden to them anyway. Sites excluded from the list are those that do not make Steve Jobs spontaneously moan with pleasure when viewing them on an Mac, iPhone or of course iPad.